Early adolescence and self-dislike

Young adolescents can dislike themselves more than they did as children on two counts: first, when they separate from childhood and second when they enter puberty.

Most young people separate from childhood and start adolescence (around ages 9 to 13) with fewer grounds for liking themselves because they must let go of some traditional enjoyments that kept them feeling good. Growing up is a ruthless process because it requires giving up along the way. So they reject beloved interests, activities, and objects because: “I don’t want kid stuff anymore!” However, it takes a while to replace these supports, and until they are found, the young person can feel beset by that painful state of self-dislike, boredom: “I don’t know what to do with myself! I hate having nothing I like to do!”

When young people enter puberty, coming into sexual maturity can cause physical changes and social self-consciousness that engenders a lot of self-dislike about personal appearance and unpopularity: “I don’t like how I look”; “Not many people like me.” At worst, public teasing can cause the young person to dislike themselves even more: “It just shows what’s wrong with me!” (Parents need to explain: “Teasing is not about anything wrong with you; it just shows what is wrong with teasers – acting mean.”)

With peers, the adolescent is not usually looking to be loved; but she or he is definitely looking to be liked — to be approved, welcomed, befriended, and popular. Now to be socially liked becomes extremely important, and to be socially disliked can be extremely painful. “No one wants me to sit with them at lunch.” To be unliked can lead to isolation.

The relationship between liking and love

Because love amplifies one’s power of liking – of approval and disapproval – criticism from a loved one can hurt the most. Thus, the angry or defiant teenage statement to upset parents is usually a lie: “I don’t care what you think of me anyway!” In truth, I believe most adolescents want to shine in parental eyes. In consequence, there can be the need not to disappoint, the concern that wrongful actions can harm the relationship, even fear that loss of partial liking may endanger their love.

Thus sometimes in response to an infraction of a significant rule, parental reassurance may need to be given to the anxious offender who wonders if they’ve really “torn the relationship with parents now.” Sensing this insecurity, parents explain, “Just because we don’t like how you acted doesn’t mean we don’t love the person you are.” Then they give a non-evaluative correction to deal with the wrongdoing, with no criticism of character expressed. “We just disagree with the choice you made, this is why, this is what we need to have happen now, and we are ready to hear whatever you have to say.”

Examples of active liking

So how might an adolescent experience active parental liking? Ten examples follow.

1.  “You enjoy my company.”
2. “You welcome my friends.”
3. “You compliment my efforts.”
4. “You support my goals.”
5. “You listen with attention.”
6. “You respect my needs.”
7. “You appreciate my interests.”
8. “You value my opinion.”
9. “You laugh at my humor.”
10. “You’re glad to see me.”

While parents should be steadfast in loving their adolescents, they should be constant in actively liking this young person, too.

You can read the original article here  https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/202004/parenting-and-the-importance-liking-your-adolescent