Fifty Key Messages – parents need good social networks and self care

Connecting with other parents

Connecting with parents similar to your self can be a great support.

Here are some things you can do to connect with people and groups in your community:

School’s Parents’ Association

Get in touch with your teenager’s school’s parents’ association and think about getting involved.  It is a great way to meet other parents.  Also, getting involved in your child’s school is a good message to your teenager that you are interested in them and their education.  We know that when parents get more involved in their child’s education, they will do better in school.

If there is no parents’ association in your teenager’s school you might consider setting one up yourself with a group of parents.

For more information see National Parents’ Council Post Primary website.

Here are some tips from Dr John Sharry of Parents Plus

Parent Mental Health – looking after yourself for the kids’ sake

Though becoming a parent brings many joys and satisfactions, it is inherently stressful and demanding and can take its toll on parents mental health. Parents can easily put all their energies into caring for and attending to their children, and sacrifice their own personal needs and self-care.

Juggling the many demands placed on them, it is easy for parents to cut off from their natural supports or sources of rest or recreation, and over time become depleted stressed and burnt out. This is especially the case if parents are dealing with extra challenges such as a child with special needs, stressful work, and/or family losses or crises.

Further, in the modern world, many parents suffer from a constant guilt – a guilt that they are not doing enough or they are not doing it right and this all adds to the pressure.

For some parents becoming a parent is not how they anticipated and instead of the joyful feelings of love for their child, they can experience a sense of loss for their former life and experience their child as a burden. These negative feelings (though part and parcel of being a parent) can lead to extra guilt and can become repressed leading to further stress or depression – such feelings are often the basis of post natal depression.

Though many parents sacrifice attending to their own needs and mental health for the sake of their children, ironically in the long term this does not serve their children’s needs. If you become stressed, burnt out, or depressed as a parent then you can no longer be there for your children.

When your mental health suffers you can become negative, inconsistent and resentful or neglectful in your parenting. As a result, it is important for parents to prioritise their own welfare and mental health, as well as caring for their children. This is a crucial balance to achieve as much for your children’s sake as your own.

Children need cared-for parents as much as they need parents to care for them. It is a bit like the safety notice on planes which says that though your inclination is the reverse, you should first put your own oxygen mask on before helping your child with his.

This is why when making crucial parenting decisions you should take into account your own mental health needs as a parent as well as those of your children. For example:

– when deciding how to approach a baby not sleeping through the night, some parents opt for letting the child co-sleep with them in their bed for a period and others work hard at getting the child to settle in his room. The decision should be as much about what is least disruptive and most restful for the parent as what works for the child.

– with a toddler you might feel under pressure to start toilet training with your child, but because you are going through a difficult period in work, it might be a better idea to defer the training until you have more time.

– with older children, you might become stressed, ferrying them to all their extra-curricular activities when you it would be better for your own mental health to reduce these activities drastically or make other arrangements for your children travelling there.

In my own clinical practice, many of the parents come to the service looking for strategies to deal with their children’s behavioural problems. However, frequently they are so stressed or overwhelmed by the problems that they are not even in a position to reflect about how they are reacting let alone implement a behaviour management plan.

The first step to help them take a step back and to build plans around their self-care and support. No progress can be made with their child until they feel more secure and centred as parents. Frequently, my advice to parents is to redirect some of the time and energy that they have being putting into caring for their children towards caring for themselves.

Taking this step back and shifting perspective can make a big difference. Once a parent feels more relaxed and secure, they can begin to understand their own reactions and to separatetheir own needs from those of their children. From that position, you can begin to make choices in how you parent and tackle any problems that arise.

Though parenting is about relationships with your children, good parenting starts with your relationship with yourself. The more you can understand the sources of your own reactions and attend to your own needs, the more you will be able to understand and respond to your children’s individual needs.

This means you must learn to prioritise your own mental health as well supporting your children’s well being.

In the long term, practising self-care as a parent has benefits for your children as well as yourself. Not only will you feel more secure, content and fulfilled as a person, but your children will have access to more available, attentive and consistent parents.

PARENTAL SELF-CARE
Practice daily self care
Try and have a daily relaxation time for yourself that you keep sacrosanct, This could be a short daily walk, or doing yoga, or 15 minutes reading before bed or simply having a cup of tea listening to the radio. Find something that works for you.

Have a weekly review time
Have a weekly review time, when you take time to review the important priorities in your life. Are you getting the right balance between your work and personal life, and between parenting your children and attending to your needs as a individual. Take time to understand your own needs and wishes as person as well as all the demands that are put on you as parent,
worker, spouse etc.

Take action if you feel you are getting over stressed
Notice the early warning signals of your stress levels rising ( such as irritation, tiredness or even physical sickness). Take early action to address things such as seeking support, changing routines, saying no to less important demands etc. Though this might be extra work in the short-term ( e.g. setting up a more relaxing routine/ arranging day care) this will benefit you in the long term.

Prof. John Sharry, Irish Times, October 2010.  John writes in the Irish Times Health Plus every Tuesday.
Autumn 2018 courses for parents with John Sharry in Dublin, Cork and Galway. Bookings and info: see www.solutiontalk.ie

If you want to explore more Key Messages to support your parenting see https://www.tusla.ie/parenting-24-seven/12-years/

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Safer Internet Day takes place next Tuesday, 7th February 2023. Sadly more than 1 in 4 young people in Ireland have experienced cyberbullying, yet only 60% of victims tell their parents. As teenagers and children spend more time on the internet, ensuring it's a safe space is ever more important. To encourage conversation about life online and help parents keep their children safe, I'd like to share a free resource created by Switcher.ie. It's a comprehensive guide which includes things like:
  • How to reduce the risks online
  • How to recognise cyber bullying and grooming
  • How to educate children on cyber safety
  • How to set up parental controls on devices
I thought it may be useful to share the link to the guide - https://switcher.ie/broadband/guides/how-to-keep-your-children-safe-online/ - which you can include on your website ahead of Safer Internet Day, to help parents and children who may need some extra support. We've also put together some handy top tips you can use on your website: 10 tips to keep your children safe online
  1. Talk about it:Make time to chat about online risks and how to use the internet safelyas soon as they're old enough to go online. Encourage your children to speak to you about what they view online and empower them to act if they're worried about anything.
  2. Recognise the risks: Educate yourself about the potential dangers children could face online so  it’s easier to spot warning signs. Get to know what platforms your children use, and learn about dangers such as phishing, grooming and cyberbullying.
  3. Teach the do's and don'ts: Be clear about the non-negotiables.  For example, teach your child not to share personal details or photos with strangers and instruct them not to click on links to unknown websites or texts. Do encourage your child to question what they see and only accept friend requests from people they know.
  4. Spot the signs: Pay attention to your children's behaviour whilst on and off their devices. Being alert to changes in your child can help prevent problems from escalating. Some warning signs are withdrawing from friends or family, sleeping and eating problems or losing interest in previously loved hobbies or interests.
  5. Set boundaries:Let your children know what they can and can't do on the internet from the get-go. Agree on what devices they can use, when, and how long they can spend online. As they get older, explaining and negotiating boundaries may be more effective.
  6. Take 'parental' control: These ready-made boundaries put parents in control of what children can see online. They can be set up through your internet provider at device level to block specific websites and filter out inappropriate content.
  7. Be social media savvy:  The popularity of social media apps like TikTok and Snapchat makes it harder to keep track of what your child is accessing online.  Fortunately, each social media platform has its own privacy settings and safety tips for parents. Check them out before you let children have their own accounts.
  8. Protect from harm:Install antivirus software on family devices to minimise the risk of cyber attacks or scams. Use two-factor authentication (2FA) for extra security on your online accounts. This can also stop children from signing into services they're not allowed to use.
  9. Set a great example:  You're the greatest 'influencer' in your children's lives when they're young.  Limiting your time online, discussing dangers you've come across, and questioning what you view can help reinforce the rules you are setting for your children and, in turn, influence their online behaviour.
  10. Seek support:The more you learn about online dangers, the better equipped you'll be to handle them. There are some great resources like  webwise.ieinternetmatters.organd cybersafekids.ie to help you recognise and reduce online dangers and seek advice if you think your child is experiencing cyberbullying or is at risk online.
        Short videos on the Importance of Play have recently launched which was a collaboration between North Central CFSN and Lifestart Services.   Volume 1 https://youtu.be/xl2F2vZXhbg Volume 2 https://youtu.be/OOy4lmWggtM Volume 3 https://youtu.be/tmv40--l7fA Volume 4 https://youtu.be/Wr9bfTWddts Volume 5 https://youtu.be/7HLkBXvVTFE Volume 6 https://youtu.be/NuUXb51qZY0

Infant Mental Health Awareness Week runs from June 13th-19th.           

This week provides an opportunity to focus attention on the wellbeing, social and emotional development of our babies and young children. It highlights the importance of early relationships and a relationship based approach to interventions with infants and families. As our understanding of IMH and its evidence base develops, so also does our knowledge of how to apply this knowledge and an ‘IMH lens’ to interactions with infants, parents and caregivers in health and social services. 

What is infant mental health?

Infant Mental health (IMH) refers to the healthy social and emotional development of Infants starting at conception up to three years of age.

The first 1000 days of life are recognised as a critical period of opportunity to support infant mental health. Decades of research have shown that it is the quality of the early caregiver relationship that is a significant determinant of the infant’s healthy social and emotional development and in turn physical health, right up to adulthood.

 

The National Healthy Childhood Programme has embedded IMH as the foundation of the development of its resources and in the approach of the delivery of the universal child health service. This embedding of key messages can be seen in the My Child suite of books (www.mychild.ie/books) and also on www.MyChild.ie  where key messages around bonding and relationship building have been embedded for the parent/caregiver.

 

In clinical practice the topic of IMH has been included for the first time in the National Standardised Child Health Record. To build on this, the National Healthy Childhood Programme have just completed a suite of three eLearning units which are now available on HSEland for healthcare practitioners / caregivers who are working with children and families.  

 

Throughout the week you will see videos and key IMH messaging being promoted on the HSE MyChild social media pages ( Facebook / Instagram ). Keep an eye out in the National Newspapers for articles from our experts also. (IrishTimes article)  

 

In addition The National Healthy Childhood Programme have developed a series of ten practical videos with HSE expert advice which are now available on YouTube and on the relevant pages on the www.mychild.ie website.

These videos (2-3 minutes each) are aimed at parents/guardians of children (0 – 3 years).

These new video resources are available here while lots more expert advice for every step of pregnancy, baby and toddler health can also be found at www.mychild.ie

There are a suite of posters available focusing on the promotion of IMH messaging to order from healthy.childhood@hse.ie

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