Fifty Key Messages – Start a Conversation about Sexual Health

How to deal with questions

Q. My nine-year-old daughter asked me out of the blue last night, “How do you get a baby?” I was a little shocked and, as I was thinking what to say, she then told me that her friend told her that “the boy and girl have to have sex”. She then became shy about it and didn’t say any more. I changed the subject and asked her how her friend could think she would know about these things. She told me her friend had heard it from an older sister. I didn’t say any more and the conversation then moved on. Now I feel I didn’t handle the situation well and that maybe I should have talked to her more about sex and what she knew, but I did not feel comfortable. Also I wondered whether she is too young to know the full facts. I don’t know what to do or say next. Should I raise the conversation with her again or let it go?

A. Most parents find talking about sex to their children a delicate subject to get right and, frequently, like yourself, they are caught off guard with a question they are unsure how to answer.

Though you feel that you may not have handled it well, it is good that your daughter came to you to talk about what she heard from her friend. Often children get misinformation from their peers about sex but don’t check this out with reliable sources such as their parents. It is important that children hear the facts from their parents as well as their peers, as parents are best-placed to put the information in the context of values and also to help children to think through issues such as safety.

Even though you did not respond in the moment to your daughter’s question, I think you could still get back to her and raise the subject again.

Pick a good time to chat with her, and refer back to her question by saying: “Remember you asked me the other day about sex and how babies were made – this is an important chat we should have together.”

It is crucial to get your tone right. If you appear embarrassed or nervous, then this will make the conversation harder. Or if you come across as moralistic or make your daughter feel there was something wrong in her raising the subject, this could equally close down communication. If you feel uncomfortable about the conversation, do take time to rehearse it or seek some help from the resources listed below.

As a general rule, when talking to children about sex, it is best first to check what they already know. You could ask your daughter what her friend told her, or what she knows already about how babies are made. Your role at this point is to be a good listener. Then it is useful for you to tell her any information she needs to know.

When talking to children, a key principle is to be honest and truthful but to impart only the information that they need to know according to their age and understanding. A preschool child may ask where babies come from and a simple answer about coming from mummy’s tummy might be enough to satisfy their curiosity, but older children may need more factual and detailed information.

Parents worry a lot about what age to tell children about the facts of sex and are particularly concerned about telling children too much too soon. While, traditionally, children tended to be told this information well into their teens (if at all), generally the consensus is that they should now be told at a younger age and in advance of their teens.

Children are starting puberty earlier and thus experiencing sexual feelings and adolescent crushes at younger ages. As a result, they need support and information at younger ages to cope. In addition, children now are exposed to sexual information at a younger age, whether this is the clear adult themes in soap operas on TV that they watch or within news stories they read or, indeed, in the conversations among their peers.

A lot of this information is inaccurate or out of context, and it is important for parents and other reliable sources to talk to them as well. There is also evidence to show that pre-teen children are less embarrassed and more able to listen to information about sex than teenagers, who might be mortified if parents raise the subject or less likely to listen due to teenage rebellion.

In your own situation, it does sound like your daughter is ready to talk to you and it is important that you respond to her request.

I would suggest that you don’t see this as a single conversation with your daughter but rather as a series of conversations about relationships and sexuality. You want to open the channels of communication, so she feels comfortable coming to talk to you in the future. You want to tell her the facts but also to talk to her about the big issues of love, relationships, safety, being kind, looking out for friends, as well as all the other important things she needs to know to prepare her for relationships in the future.

Fortunately, there are some great resources and books about talking about sex and relationships to children. In particular, the HSE has produced a book and DVD called Busy Bodies targeted at children in fifth and sixth classes and their parents. This can be downloaded from healthpromotion.ie and free copies can be ordered by texting BUSY, followed by your name and address, to 50444.

Also, the Irish Family Planning Association runs an eight-week course called Speak Easy designed to provide parents with the information, skills and confidence needed to talk to their children about relationships and sexuality, see ifpa.ie

Finally, your daughter’s school will also be running their Relationship and Sexuality Education programme when she starts fifth class. Parental involvement is encouraged, and this will provide you with another opportunity to ensure she is well-informed and supported about these important issues.

John Sharry, Irish Times, August 2011.

Source: Solution Talk

If you want to explore more of the Key Messages see https://www.tusla.ie/parenting-24-seven/

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  • How to recognise cyber bullying and grooming
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  • How to set up parental controls on devices
I thought it may be useful to share the link to the guide - https://switcher.ie/broadband/guides/how-to-keep-your-children-safe-online/ - which you can include on your website ahead of Safer Internet Day, to help parents and children who may need some extra support. We've also put together some handy top tips you can use on your website: 10 tips to keep your children safe online
  1. Talk about it:Make time to chat about online risks and how to use the internet safelyas soon as they're old enough to go online. Encourage your children to speak to you about what they view online and empower them to act if they're worried about anything.
  2. Recognise the risks: Educate yourself about the potential dangers children could face online so  it’s easier to spot warning signs. Get to know what platforms your children use, and learn about dangers such as phishing, grooming and cyberbullying.
  3. Teach the do's and don'ts: Be clear about the non-negotiables.  For example, teach your child not to share personal details or photos with strangers and instruct them not to click on links to unknown websites or texts. Do encourage your child to question what they see and only accept friend requests from people they know.
  4. Spot the signs: Pay attention to your children's behaviour whilst on and off their devices. Being alert to changes in your child can help prevent problems from escalating. Some warning signs are withdrawing from friends or family, sleeping and eating problems or losing interest in previously loved hobbies or interests.
  5. Set boundaries:Let your children know what they can and can't do on the internet from the get-go. Agree on what devices they can use, when, and how long they can spend online. As they get older, explaining and negotiating boundaries may be more effective.
  6. Take 'parental' control: These ready-made boundaries put parents in control of what children can see online. They can be set up through your internet provider at device level to block specific websites and filter out inappropriate content.
  7. Be social media savvy:  The popularity of social media apps like TikTok and Snapchat makes it harder to keep track of what your child is accessing online.  Fortunately, each social media platform has its own privacy settings and safety tips for parents. Check them out before you let children have their own accounts.
  8. Protect from harm:Install antivirus software on family devices to minimise the risk of cyber attacks or scams. Use two-factor authentication (2FA) for extra security on your online accounts. This can also stop children from signing into services they're not allowed to use.
  9. Set a great example:  You're the greatest 'influencer' in your children's lives when they're young.  Limiting your time online, discussing dangers you've come across, and questioning what you view can help reinforce the rules you are setting for your children and, in turn, influence their online behaviour.
  10. Seek support:The more you learn about online dangers, the better equipped you'll be to handle them. There are some great resources like  webwise.ieinternetmatters.organd cybersafekids.ie to help you recognise and reduce online dangers and seek advice if you think your child is experiencing cyberbullying or is at risk online.
        Short videos on the Importance of Play have recently launched which was a collaboration between North Central CFSN and Lifestart Services.   Volume 1 https://youtu.be/xl2F2vZXhbg Volume 2 https://youtu.be/OOy4lmWggtM Volume 3 https://youtu.be/tmv40--l7fA Volume 4 https://youtu.be/Wr9bfTWddts Volume 5 https://youtu.be/7HLkBXvVTFE Volume 6 https://youtu.be/NuUXb51qZY0

Infant Mental Health Awareness Week runs from June 13th-19th.           

This week provides an opportunity to focus attention on the wellbeing, social and emotional development of our babies and young children. It highlights the importance of early relationships and a relationship based approach to interventions with infants and families. As our understanding of IMH and its evidence base develops, so also does our knowledge of how to apply this knowledge and an ‘IMH lens’ to interactions with infants, parents and caregivers in health and social services. 

What is infant mental health?

Infant Mental health (IMH) refers to the healthy social and emotional development of Infants starting at conception up to three years of age.

The first 1000 days of life are recognised as a critical period of opportunity to support infant mental health. Decades of research have shown that it is the quality of the early caregiver relationship that is a significant determinant of the infant’s healthy social and emotional development and in turn physical health, right up to adulthood.

 

The National Healthy Childhood Programme has embedded IMH as the foundation of the development of its resources and in the approach of the delivery of the universal child health service. This embedding of key messages can be seen in the My Child suite of books (www.mychild.ie/books) and also on www.MyChild.ie  where key messages around bonding and relationship building have been embedded for the parent/caregiver.

 

In clinical practice the topic of IMH has been included for the first time in the National Standardised Child Health Record. To build on this, the National Healthy Childhood Programme have just completed a suite of three eLearning units which are now available on HSEland for healthcare practitioners / caregivers who are working with children and families.  

 

Throughout the week you will see videos and key IMH messaging being promoted on the HSE MyChild social media pages ( Facebook / Instagram ). Keep an eye out in the National Newspapers for articles from our experts also. (IrishTimes article)  

 

In addition The National Healthy Childhood Programme have developed a series of ten practical videos with HSE expert advice which are now available on YouTube and on the relevant pages on the www.mychild.ie website.

These videos (2-3 minutes each) are aimed at parents/guardians of children (0 – 3 years).

These new video resources are available here while lots more expert advice for every step of pregnancy, baby and toddler health can also be found at www.mychild.ie

There are a suite of posters available focusing on the promotion of IMH messaging to order from healthy.childhood@hse.ie

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