20th July 2020 by nicola

Becoming an Empowered Parent

We frequently share Karen Young’s posts and articles from the Hey Sigmund website. If you find them interesting and helpful you might be interested in this free online series with Karen Young and other parenting experts who are committed to a very tuned-in, positive style of parenting. The series is called Becoming an Empowered Parent and here is what Karen Young has to say about it.

“Imagine raising the kind of person you’d actually want to know and spend time with? Thankfully, it’s possible. Join me, and 29 of the world’s leading parenting experts, as I am interviewed by Debbie Zeichner, Parent Coach and host of the “Becoming an Empowered Parent” online series, where we discuss expert, research-based tools and practical strategies for raising kind, compassionate, confident and emotionally healthy kids and teens who thrive. Learn how to reduce stress, overwhelm, guilt and frustration, so you can ‘show up’ as the conscious, empowered parent you and your children need and deserve. Parenting is hard! Thankfully, you don’t have to go through it alone.

Don’t miss out on this incredible opportunity to learn from the biggest influencers and top-rated experts in the parenting field. All interviews are pre-recorded, so you can watch or listen at your convenience.

Gain FREE access to this exciting and inspiring virtual series. Register through this link –

https://becominganempoweredparent.com/

15th July 2020 by nicola

Pressing the Pause Button

One of the skills from the Parents Plus Parenting programmes which parents say makes the biggest difference in their family life is learning how to ‘press the pause button’. Essentially pressing the pause button means committing to something different, rather than repeating a negative pattern. This is what John Sharry and Carol Fitzpatrick, the authors of the programme, have to say about it.

Pressing the pause button

When faced with an ongoing problem it is easy to get caught in a pattern of reacting the same way each time. Sometimes our reactions may not be helpful and can even make the problem worse. A good idea is to press the pause button to think of a better way of responding.

1. Press the pause button

Take a step back

Take a step back from how you normally react, especially if you find yourself getting angry or negative.

Be calm and respectful

Although hard to do in the heat of the moment, it is important to remain calm. When you remain in control you show your child how you want him to behave.
Take a pause and a gentle breath if you find yourself getting annoyed.

2. ‘Tune in’ to what is happening

Why children misbehave

Children misbehave for a whole variety of reasons, such as looking for attention, expressing frustration or hurt, or wanting to take control.
Sometimes it can occur as part of a battle of wills or a power struggle between you and your child when you both want your own way.
Sometimes misbehaviour occurs in an ongoing situation such as a child feeling jealous of a younger sibling or because a child is struggling at school.
Children with special needs may act out more simply because they do not have the same level of language and attention as their peers, or because they find specific situations difficult, for example, when their routine changes. Take time to tune in to your child’s stage of development

Example – ‘Tuning in’ during a tantrum

Rather than reacting if your son starts to throw a tantrum, pause and tune in to understand what he might be feeling so you can decide the best way to respond.

If your child is tired maybe he needs you to soothe him and help him take a break
If he is upset and frustrated maybe he needs you to appreciate his feelings and distract him with something else
If he is angry and wants to get his own way maybe it is best not to give in to him, to ignore his protests and wait until he calms down
If you are feeling stressed maybe it is best to pull back for a minute yourself and take a few deep breaths before returning to deal with him

3. Make a plan

Think ahead and make a plan about how you will deal with this problem
What is the best way to respond? What has worked well in the past?

You can find more useful tips and information from Parents Plus here https://www.parentsplus.ie/parents/tips-and-information/

Here is a great article from the Irish Times about the Parents Plus programmes https://www.parentsplus.ie/news/parents-plus-programmes-are-devised-for-and-with-irish-parents/

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6th July 202016th June 2020 by nicola

The many meanings of No

We can all get into the habit of saying No especially when we are tired or stressed but there are many times when better communication on our part helps our child understand and cooperate better. Here is a piece from The Growing Child newsletter distributed by Lifestart.

The many meanings of No

I just remembered a family story.
My sister-in-law overheard her young granddaughter asking her mother for a particular privilege. “We’ll see,” said her mother. Glumly the child turned away. “That means no,” she said, with resignation.

Kids and adults alike seem to spend a lot of time interpreting all the messages surrounding the word “No”. Said by a weary mother, it may signify that she can’t deal with another request at this point, not that the idea itself is unreasonable. When a distracted father says, “No”, he may mean that he doesn’t want to get involved right now, but go ask your mother—a way of passing the buck.

When another parent says “No”, it may mean that she is showing the child who is boss, exerting power for the sake of having the power—plus subconsciously enjoying being begged to then yield. And when a child hears “No”, it usually means a frustrating of their impulses and wishes that produces anger.

Many parents, I believe, worry about saying “No” to their children lest this anger from kids mean that parental popularity poll numbers will fall. They seem to think that “No” will convey a meaning of “I don’t love you”, instead of just meaning “No”.

No should just mean No. Since “No” is clearly a powerful word, parents should consider carefully the ways and means of using it. First and unapologetically, No’s are necessary in order to produce children who can respect limits and understand something about how to live in this world. Obviously saying “No” alone doesn’t do all that. Along with the prohibition must come some information about why it’s a “No” whether the reason is safety, family values and circumstances, developmental stage, or timing. (If there is no reason you can explain easily, then maybe you should consider whether the “No” is necessary.)

Because that’s another thing about No’s : such powerful words should be used judiciously and sparingly. I think some kids are quite justified in their frustration, if they are surrounded with No’s at every turn. Instead of a shower of No’s , parents should consider redirection— “You could throw the ball outside, instead of inside.” or “That road is unsafe for riding. How about you stay in the cul-de-sac?”

Parents could turn the question back to the child for reconsideration—“I can’t let you eat candy now. Can you think of something else you could choose for snack?” They could state a contingency— “I’m not free to drive you there now, but if you help me put the laundry away while I finish this email, you can go then.”And even when it’s a “No”, it is a clear, firm limit—“No”, I can’t let you go to her house today, I’m sorry.”

When you do have to say “No” be sure that your delivery indicates a solid limit, with a serious though kind face, a calm tone and authoritative body language. Any wishy-washiness on your part gives kids an invitation to wheedle and beg.

The GROWING TOGETHER NEWSLETTER is issued by; GROWING CHILD Inc., and is distributed free, courtesy of:
THE LIFESTART FOUNDATION,
2, Springrowth House, Balliniska Rd.,
Springtown Ind. Estate, L’Derry BT48 OGG
Tel: 028 71365363. Fax: 028 71365334.
E-mail: headoffice@lifestartfoundation.org
Web Site: www.lifestartfoundation.org

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19th May 202019th May 2020 by nicola

Happy families: Parent tips for managing child behaviour at home

In this excellent article Sue Cowley, Early Years Educator, gives some expert tips on minimising stress while at home. The article is reproduced below or you can download the original article here https://famly.co/blog/covid-19/sue-cowley-managing-behaviour-at-home/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=UKIE%3A+ES+Content&utm_content=ES-V105-Home-Behaviour-1080×1080&utm_term=E119-Home-Behaviour

In the current situation, most families will be spending more time together than normal. Many parents will also be trying to work from home, while also providing care and instruction for their children. In addition, families are likely to be stuck indoors more than usual.

All these changes to your regular routines mean that you may be feeling tense, anxious or stressed at the moment, and your child may pick up on these emotions. This can easily manifest itself in tensions around your child’s behaviour, at a time when the last thing that any of us want to do is to get into family arguments.

Read on for plenty of strategies to help you remain happy and minimise conflict during the lockdown.

Be proactive rather than reactive

There is a tendency for us to wait for poor behaviour to happen, and then to react to it after the event. Similarly, we tend to pay attention to the behaviours that annoy us, but it’s more helpful to highlight positive behaviours every time they happen.

Make sure you praise your child when they are behaving well – “Thank you so much for being so helpful!” It might feel a bit fake at first, but affirming them being good is a great way to encourage better behaviour.

Say what you need

Make sure to actively promote the behaviour you want to see, because this supports your child in understanding your expectations and learning how to do the right thing. Use a statement such as “Let’s see how quickly you can get dressed!” or “I need you to help me lay the table, thanks!” to create a clear target. Reinforce your child’s cooperative behaviours with the use of praise: “Wow, you got dressed extra fast today – well done!”.

It’s all too easy to fall into the habit of using rhetorical questions when faced with poor behaviours. It’s that moment when your child is making a mess with their toys, and you say to them in an exasperated voice, “Why are you doing that?”. You don’t actually want an answer to your question – it is an expression of your irritation.

Instead of phrasing your frustrations around behaviour as questions, make statements to your child about what you would like to see them doing and then support them in doing it. “We need to sort the toys out into the right boxes – let’s do it together!”

Using the tactical ignore

The ‘tactical ignore’ is a vital tool in every parent’s behaviour toolkit. Whenever we pay attention to any kind of behaviour, whether positive or negative, we reinforce it. Refusing to pay attention to poor behaviour can help to minimise it, because your child starts to understand that you will give them your energy and attention when they are doing the right thing.

Clearly if a behaviour is dangerous you need to get your child to stop quickly. Use a firm voice, combined with a command: “You need to stop that right now.” But if the behaviour is not doing any immediate damage, it is often better to ignore it, or suggest a positive alternative.

Remember to look for the learning in the everyday household tasks that you still need to do, from playing with the bubbles as you wash up together, to wiping tables or pulling up weeds. Your young child will enjoy the chance to help you with all of these!

Using distractions

Young children have very short attention spans, so make use of this fact when dealing with their behaviour. Distractions can be very effective, particularly if your child is working their way up to a tantrum, because it throws the child off track from an outburst. You might point to a bird outside the window, pick up a musical toy and shake it, or suggest a quick helping task.

Parents might worry that ignoring or distracting from poor behaviour means letting the child ‘get away with it’, but in reality the main goal for this age group is the development of what we call self-regulation. This means the ability to regulate our own emotions and behaviours.

Children of this age are not being naughty on purpose – their behaviour is just not that calculated. Your child needs you to help them learn to behave through a process called co-regulation, where the adult works together with the child to help them develop internal control.

Handing over control

It is very tempting to try to micromanage your child’s routine, in order to try and stop them getting bored, tired, or under/over stimulated. However, it is really important for your child to have a say in what they do each day, and also to have a chance to manage their own reactions to complex emotions. This will give them a sense of purpose and will also support their ability to regulate.

Let your child take some ownership of their learning and behaviour. This will help them feel more motivated and in control. Try to step back from always intervening – learning to deal with and manage emotions such as boredom or frustration is a crucial part of child development. We cannot do this for our children, we can only support them in learning how to manage it by themselves.

Boosting self-regulation

When it comes to behaviour in the early years, probably the most important thing of all for your child to learn is how to self-regulate. This will set them up for success in the future, because it will help them understand how to behave appropriately in different situations. It will also support them in focusing their attention, which is especially useful once they get to school.

A really useful way to encourage the development of self-regulation is to narrate the ‘why’ behind the behaviour you have asked for. This helps your child understand why you want them to do this particular thing. Always try to add a ‘because’ to your statements about how you need your child to behave.

Supporting your own mental health

Given the unusual and difficult circumstances we are in at the moment, it is really important for families to support their own mental health where they possibly can. The better you feel, the more able you will be to manage your child’s behaviour when they are being difficult.

Do make sure that you and your child get outside for a daily dose of daylight, whether in a garden or by going on a walk. Sunlight helps to boost our mood and being outdoors in the natural world can also be calming.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you set overly ambitious targets, you are likely to be unable to meet them, and consequently to feel disappointed or frustrated. It is far better to be realistic about what you can achieve, especially in the current circumstances. For instance, it may work better to focus on one sustained period of quality play with your child, rather than trying to play with them but with half an eye on the work you need to do from home.

Try not to heap guilt on yourself, by making comparisons with what you think other parents are achieving. It is okay not to feel okay in the current situation and to sometimes get a bit snappy – be kind to yourself if sometimes you don’t get it completely right.

Sue Cowley is an author and teacher educator. She has helped to run her local early years setting for the last ten years. Her latest book is “The Ultimate Guide to Mark Making in the Early Years”, published by Bloomsbury.

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12th May 202012th May 2020 by nicola

How to Achieve Screen Time Sanity During Quarantine

Here is an interesting and very relevant piece from the Psychology Today website which you can access here https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie

Five steps for limits and allowances on pandemic screen time: A “Play Diet”.

Posted May 11, 2020

Two words come to mind when managing your family during the coronavirus quarantine: safety and sanity. Obviously, the safety of our kids and families is the number one priority. Social distancing, sheltering in place, and washing your hands have become the mantras of moms and dads all over the world. While keeping household sanity may be a distant second in our priorities, nonetheless, this supports safety by keeping families more content, communicative, and collaborative.

Source: Pixabay / No Attribution Required

Quarantining 24/7 is very difficult. Kids are stuck in their homes, don’t have an opportunity to engage in face-to-face relationships, and are restricted in their physical activities such as participation in team or individual sports. Many families live in urban areas, where COVID-19 is prevalent and home confinement is the norm. More fortunate are those who live in areas where they can venture outdoors more safely and have more breathing space, perhaps seeing friends from a distance and having more opportunities to exercise. Even in these cases, however, family sanity is difficult to achieve when you are living together morning, noon, and night; going to work and school in the same space, and contending with children who complain nonstop about being bored. This can be even more difficult if you have a child with ADHD or learning differences who needs ongoing attention. Family sanity can be helped by engaging in an activity that is quiet, focused, and entertaining—screen time. That’s why I suggest loosening your normal rules around screen time during the quarantine.

But don’t change your parenting style so much that it neglects your family’s health. If you choose to allow more screen time during the quarantine, do it within the context of expecting and modeling a healthy and balanced “Play Diet.” For those of you who are unfamiliar with the LearningWorks for Kids construct of a Play Diet, it is a recipe of essential activities for children’s learning and psychological adjustment that recognizes the importance of a variety of play for child development. A healthy Play Diet consists of a balance of physical, social, creative, unstructured, and digital play and is important for every child and adult. Healthy Play Diets vary based on individual needs, interests, age, and on situations such as whether it is a weekday or during the weekend, while on summer vacation, or over the week after Christmas when parents are encouraged to modify expectations. The COVID-19 quarantine is one of those times for changing the rules for a healthy Play Diet.

The current pandemic has also changed the rules for parenting when it comes to screen time. Allowing more digital play/screen time is recommended for safety and sanity. Kids who are occupied in their homes and allowed to play more with their friends online will be less likely to run off to a friend’s house or pester their parents for things to do. In simple mathematical terms, there is more sustained leisure and housebound time for your kids than ever before. Proactive parenting that accounts for the excess free time can use Play Diets as a model for keeping the health and sanity of your home.

Source: Pixabay / No Attribution Required

But how to achieve a healthy Play Diet during the quarantine? First, model healthy living for your kids. Make time to exercise; talk to friends and family; engage in a hobby; take care of yourself psychologically and spiritually; and use screens to work, relax, and communicate with others.

Next, create the expectation that everyone in the family will engage in daily physical, social, creative, unstructured, and digital play activities. Be explicit with your kids. Yes, you will allow them to have more screen time, but it’s not a free for all, you expect them to engage in healthy activities daily. It won’t be easy, you’ll have to devote time, thought, and money, but it will help everyone get through the quarantine healthier and happier.

A healthy play diet is typically defined by spending a lot of face-to-face time with friends and family and engaging in social activities at home, at school, and in the community. It also involves regular physical fitness, for children and teens most often in the form of team sports, going to a gym, or participating in dance or yoga classes. During normal times, creative play often involves taking art or music classes, being involved in theater, playing in a band, or singing in a chorus or choir. Unstructured play is defined by hanging out with others with no particular goals, taking a walk outdoors, or running around the neighborhood. All of these play activities are more difficult during the quarantine, but not impossible with some planning and effort.

I will expand on detailed strategies for achieving a healthy Play Diet during the quarantine in future posts on learningworksforkids.com but here are a few basic steps that will keep screen time in check and get you started:

Source: Pixabay No Attribution Required

Physical Play: Take a family walk every day, no excuses. This is best done at a regularly scheduled time.

Social Play: Zoom family members or family friends each night before dinner.

Creative Play: Do something new every day. Your kids have more time on their hands, so have them try something new. Try a new recipe, read a book by a new author, take apart a Lego construction and make something different, do a craft project with items found around the house, or learn about something of interest through an Internet search.

Unstructured Play: Take a few minutes each day to relax, stretch, daydream, make a plan for the future, and appreciate nature and the spring season.

Digital Play: This is where your kids will tell you what they want to do. Allow age-appropriate gameplay and think about playing with them.

About the Author

Randy Kulman, Ph.D., is a child clinical psychologist, parent of 5, and founder of LearningWorks for Kids. He is the author of Train Your Brain for Success and Playing Smarter in a Digital World.

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11th May 2020 by nicola

Why ‘good enough’ parenting is good enough during the lockdown

As parents we are so inclined to put ourselves under pressure. Under present circumstances, when we are trying to be all things to our children – parent, teacher, friend, entertainer etc – that can be even more stressful. Here is a very good article from the RTÉ website which may be useful.

Why ‘good enough’ parenting is good enough during the lockdown

Updated / Monday, 11 May 2020 09:12

"If your children had one wish for you, it would be your acceptance that being a 'good enough' parent to them is just that... enough" — “If your children had one wish for you, it would be your acceptance that being a ‘good enough’ parent to them is just that… enough”

By Dr Malie Coyne NUI Galway

Learn to trust your gut instinct

Each of us have an internal navigation system which guides how we parent. Our intuition has been carefully honed by our lived experience as parents, our natural instinct in attuning to our children’s needs, and the incredible power of our attachment relationship in helping them be human, compassionate and resilient.

Resilience means learning to cope with manageable threats, while having the ability to rebound in the face of difficulties. The single most important factor that nurtures resilience in children is having a stable and committed relationship with a trusted adult, to whom the child can turn to in times of challenge or need. By being emotionally available for your child through these highs and lows, you are nurturing their resilience. You are enough. When in doubt, drop into the present moment, listen to what your gut is telling you and trust yourself to do the next ‘good enough’ thing.

From RTÉ 2fm’s Louise McSharry show, psychotherapist and parenting expert Joanna Fortune on managing kids’ nightmares, tantrums and screaming matches

Let go of the fallacy of perfection

For many families, living through “lock down” conditions has presented many challenges, including a rise in conflict. The belief that ‘perfect families’ exists promotes feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and blame. Relationship ruptures arise naturally in every family. It’s how we repair these that matter, which provides a valuable opportunity to strengthen our relationships with our children and models for them how healthy relationships work.

When something goes wrong with our kids, rather than blame ourselves or them, try to see the need behind their behaviour, which is them needing you to organise their feelings. Taking your child’s distress seriously and acknowledging their experience as valid for them gives them an experience of being safe as they learn about feelings.

Get to know yourself as parent and prioritise self-care

To be a calm, loving and empathic parent, you need to take good care of yourself. Parental self-care is about recognising our feelings and taking the time to restore balance. If we’re feeling overwhelmed, we’re less able to contain our children’s big emotions. If we nurture our self-care, however, we’re far better able to compassionately respond to them.

From RTÉ Radio 1’s Today With Sean O’Rourke, clinical child psychologist David Coleman on parenting during the pandemic

A few times a day, find ways to rest and allow space to open up to yourself. I know this is harder when children are at home, but using moments to soothe yourself rather than activate fear may really help. What do you find nourishing? Going for a walk? Dancing like no one’s watching? Having special family time? Chatting to a friend? Spirituality? Creativity? Playing music? Volunteering your time safely? Having a good laugh? Keeping up your routines? Whatever it is, find your potion and give yourself the gift of soothing and love.

If there’s anything this virus has taught us, it’s that there’s only one way to get past this. We’ll have to go through it. The same goes for our pain and difficult feelings. There is light at the end of the tunnel. And perhaps this quieter time may be a valuable opportunity to make peace with being the ‘good enough’ parent you already are.

If this feels too difficult for you, please talk to someone you trust or seek professional support. If you or your children feel unsafe in your home, you can access help by contacting Stillhere.ie. I’ve put together a collection of Covid-19 mental health, parenting and child resources and host a COVID-19 Special Broadcast for Parents every Wednesday at 9pm, in association with the A Lust for Life charity.

The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ

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28th April 202027th April 2020 by nicola

Covid19 Parenting: Dealing with bad behaviour

If you find you are facing some challenging behaviour from your children here are some positive parenting tips for dealing with it. You can click the picture or download the pdf here Covid19 Parenting Dealing with Bad Behaviour

You will find more resources for parents at https://www.gov.ie/en/publication/673340-parenting/

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14th October 20198th October 2019 by Parent Hub Donegal

Fifty Key Messages – a positive parenting style works

Are you a positive parent?

Positive parenting makes a real difference to child development and children’s behaviour is strongly influenced by parenting styles and practices. Research suggests growing up in nurturing, secure family environments, for example, is important as it is associated with positive child wellbeing and the development of pro-social behaviours as well as minimising exposure to harmful problem activity. (Prosocial behaviour is behaviour that is good for us and good for the people or society around us, so examples would be sharing, helping, cooperating, being concerned for the feelings and wellbeing of others)

We all vary in how we parent. It is worth thinking about our own way of parenting.

If we provide a lot of love and nurturing to our children but also put strong boundaries and supervision in place then we are likely to have an Authoritative parenting style. Authoritative parenting has been described as the most positive parenting style. It is described as a democratic approach to parenting, integrating warmth with firm behavioural control. For example, authoritative parents teach children to conform to standards they set through negotiation rather than by punishment. They expect children to achieve these standards in a supportive context that respects both the children’s and parents’ rights. The children of authoritative parents are more likely to be self-controlled, independent, resilient and socially responsible.

This type of Authoritative parent:

Enables a child to make his/her own choices
Makes clear rules and enforces them
Rewards children’s positive behaviour
Is involved in their child’s daily life where possible

Much research over recent decades concludes that an authoritative parenting style is related to positive outcomes for children and teenagers. Among the benefits are a more secure sense of identity, higher self-esteem, greater independence, more pro-social behaviour, better outcomes in education and better resistance to peer pressure.

What’s your parenting style?

Positive (authoritative) gives lots of love and nurturing and is also strong on boundaries and supervision	This type of parent: Enables a child to make his/her own choices Makes clear rules and enforces them Rewards children’s positive behaviour Is involved in their child’s daily life where possible
Bossy (Authoritarian) puts a lot of emphasis on boundaries, rules and supervision but doesn’t show a lot of love or nurturing	This type of parent: Has expectations for a child that are too high Does not enable a child to make his/her own choices Often insults and belittles a child Often ignores good behaviour and excessively punishes a child
Easy Going (Laissez-Faire) Shows a lot of love and nurturing but places little emphasis on boundaries or supervision	This type of parent: Lets a child do what he/she wants Does not establish any rules for a child Will give in to a child having tantrums Provides no structure for a child
Distant (Neglectful/ Rejecting/ Disengaged) Shows little love or nurturing and does not provide boundaries or supervision	This type of parent: Does not have a close relationship with a child Allows a child to do what they want Shows little interest in a child’s behaviour or aspirations Does not supervise a child/or arrange adequate supervision when needed

Positive

(authoritative)

gives lots of love and nurturing and is also strong on boundaries and supervision

This type of parent:

Enables a child to make his/her own choices
Makes clear rules and enforces them
Rewards children’s positive behaviour
Is involved in their child’s daily life where possible

Bossy

(Authoritarian)

puts a lot of emphasis on boundaries, rules and supervision but doesn’t show a lot of love or nurturing

This type of parent:

Has expectations for a child that are too high
Does not enable a child to make his/her own choices
Often insults and belittles a child
Often ignores good behaviour and excessively punishes a child

Easy Going

(Laissez-Faire)

Shows a lot of love and nurturing but places little emphasis on boundaries or supervision

This type of parent:

Lets a child do what he/she wants
Does not establish any rules for a child
Will give in to a child having tantrums
Provides no structure for a child

Distant

(Neglectful/ Rejecting/ Disengaged)

Shows little love or nurturing and does not provide boundaries or supervision

This type of parent:

Does not have a close relationship with a child
Allows a child to do what they want
Shows little interest in a child’s behaviour or aspirations
Does not supervise a child/or arrange adequate supervision when needed

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