Tag family dynamics | Parent Hub Donegal

18th May 202018th May 2020 by nicola

Parenting and the importance of liking your adolescent

This interesting article from Psychology Today looks at the complicated relationship between parents and teenagers

Many parents value the importance of love but underestimate the power of liking.

Source: Carl Pickhardt Ph.D.

“Adolescence is the time when you and your child still love each other as always, but often don’t like each other as much.” So I was told on good parental authority.

The notion was that while childhood was filled with taking pleasure in each other’s company, adolescence is often about parent and teenager putting up with how each other have become harder to live with.

What follows is why I believe that active liking is an important part of effectively parenting an adolescent.

Less liking from the loss of childhood

For the parents, gone is the adoring and adorable little child whose tag-along company they miss. For the adolescent, gone are the perfectly wonderful parents and the fun-loving company they used to be. For both parent and changing child, adolescence begins with some loss of mutual enjoyment, and liking is its name.

Come adolescence, a lessening of traditional liking on both sides of the relationship can occur.

Although it can feel easy to blame each other for this disaffection, the real culprit is growth. Now, three developmental engines – separation, experimentation, and opposition – drive the adolescent transformation toward more independence and individuality. Now more contention can occur. “You haven’t done what I asked!” collides with, “I said I would, in a while!”

Increased abrasion from normal differences starts wearing down the old connection between them, gradually growing them more apart from each other, which is what the coming of age passage is meant to accomplish.

Love is not enough

To some parents, this partial loss of liking seems like no big deal so long as lasting love remains strong because, surely, loving counts more than liking. Yes and no. If you could only have one, certainly love would be the best choice. However, never underestimate the power of parental liking. Consider it this way.

The power of parental love is nurturing attachment on which trust in the lasting power of this unconditional commitment depends. “I know my parents have always loved me and always will.” We are talking about foundational presence here.

The power of parental liking is providing approval from their high authority on which much conditional self-esteem depends. “I think well of myself because my parents have always thought well of me.” We are talking about formative influence here.

Early adolescence and self-dislike

Young adolescents can dislike themselves more than they did as children on two counts: first, when they separate from childhood and second when they enter puberty.

Most young people separate from childhood and start adolescence (around ages 9 to 13) with fewer grounds for liking themselves because they must let go of some traditional enjoyments that kept them feeling good. Growing up is a ruthless process because it requires giving up along the way. So they reject beloved interests, activities, and objects because: “I don’t want kid stuff anymore!” However, it takes a while to replace these supports, and until they are found, the young person can feel beset by that painful state of self-dislike, boredom: “I don’t know what to do with myself! I hate having nothing I like to do!”

When young people enter puberty, coming into sexual maturity can cause physical changes and social self-consciousness that engenders a lot of self-dislike about personal appearance and unpopularity: “I don’t like how I look”; “Not many people like me.” At worst, public teasing can cause the young person to dislike themselves even more: “It just shows what’s wrong with me!” (Parents need to explain: “Teasing is not about anything wrong with you; it just shows what is wrong with teasers – acting mean.”)

With peers, the adolescent is not usually looking to be loved; but she or he is definitely looking to be liked — to be approved, welcomed, befriended, and popular. Now to be socially liked becomes extremely important, and to be socially disliked can be extremely painful. “No one wants me to sit with them at lunch.” To be unliked can lead to isolation.

The relationship between liking and love

Because love amplifies one’s power of liking – of approval and disapproval – criticism from a loved one can hurt the most. Thus, the angry or defiant teenage statement to upset parents is usually a lie: “I don’t care what you think of me anyway!” In truth, I believe most adolescents want to shine in parental eyes. In consequence, there can be the need not to disappoint, the concern that wrongful actions can harm the relationship, even fear that loss of partial liking may endanger their love.

Thus sometimes in response to an infraction of a significant rule, parental reassurance may need to be given to the anxious offender who wonders if they’ve really “torn the relationship with parents now.” Sensing this insecurity, parents explain, “Just because we don’t like how you acted doesn’t mean we don’t love the person you are.” Then they give a non-evaluative correction to deal with the wrongdoing, with no criticism of character expressed. “We just disagree with the choice you made, this is why, this is what we need to have happen now, and we are ready to hear whatever you have to say.”

Examples of active liking

So how might an adolescent experience active parental liking? Ten examples follow.

“You enjoy my company.”
“You welcome my friends.”
“You compliment my efforts.”
“You support my goals.”
“You listen with attention.”
“You respect my needs.”
“You appreciate my interests.”
“You value my opinion.”
“You laugh at my humor.”
“You’re glad to see me.”

While parents should be steadfast in loving their adolescents, they should be constant in actively liking this young person, too.

You can read the original article here https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/202004/parenting-and-the-importance-liking-your-adolescent

About the Author

Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. is a psychologist in private counseling and public lecturing practice in Austin, Texas. His latest book is WHO STOLE MY CHILD? Parenting through four stages of adolescence.

13th May 202013th May 2020 by nicola

How families can cope with pandemic stress

Here is an interesting article from the University of Alberta in Canada

How families can cope with pandemic stress

We can’t control our negative thoughts and feelings, but we can choose how we respond to them, says U of A expert.

Acknowledging feelings, being empathetic with each other and being honest with children are key to holding families together through COVID-19 crisis, says a U of A expert in family dynamics. (Photo: Getty Images)

By BEV BETKOWSKI

How do families cope with the emotional upheaval caused by COVID-19 without falling apart?

It is possible to keep personal relationships from crumbling under stress by choosing how to react, said Adam Galovan, a University of Alberta expert in family dynamics.

“Many people are going to be upset or angry because of job losses or cutbacks and all that that might mean. Most social engagements are also being cancelled. Unfortunately, we don’t have a clear picture of when this will end, which can lead to a lot of anxiety. Because of this, it’s important for people to acknowledge how they feel, whether it’s angry, fearful or sad.

“They can’t control their negative feelings, but they can control how they respond to those feelings.”

That means working to avoid “ineffective coping” like eating a whole bucket of ice cream or an entire pizza, or snapping at the kids or each other, Galovan advised.

“If we can recognize and understand our feelings, we will likely be able to think of other, more healthy ways to cope.”

Galovan said that when we’re stressed, we tend to go to our baseline coping tendencies; some get agitated, others shut down.

And there’s often a pursuer-avoider pattern in relationships, he added.

“One person wants to address an issue and tackle it head-on, while the other partner wants to ignore it. During stressful times, this can become more pronounced.”

Pursuers should monitor their feelings and consider outlets for reducing their anxiety and tendency to seek control, like exercise or meditation, Galovan suggested.

Avoiders may need to ask themselves if they can be coping more effectively.

“It can be helpful to journal their feelings, and then talk with their partner about how they’re feeling.

“Often, just voicing our feelings, having that conversation, helps relieve the tension and helps us feel less stressed. It also opens up dialogue to get a better perspective on what’s going on with one another,” said Galovan.

And when partners can’t agree on how to handle something like a money issue, having some empathy for the other person is a good place to start to address the issue, Galovan said.

“It’s key to say it’s us against this problem, rather than me versus you. For instance, if one person wants to keep a cable TV subscription because they find it helps ease their stress, then maybe they can find another way to cut costs. If we can put ourselves in our partner’s shoes and have some empathy for what they’re experiencing, then we can talk through it and find another solution.”

Even though work and school have been upended by COVID-19 lockdowns, Galovan said establishing a routine at home eases stress.

“Get up at the normal hour you did before, eat meals at a set time. We are creatures of habit, especially kids, so if we can do some things consistently when other things are up in the air, it helps us all feel more grounded.”

Don’t forget about the kids

It’s important that parents not allow their own stress to spill over to their children.

Galovan said being aware of our own stress is also helpful so we don’t react to those feelings by treating our children in a harsher way. For example, he said, parents might have less patience and snap at their children, or spank them when we usually don’t.

Instead, parents can take a timeout.

“Most situations with a child don’t need to be handled right away, so take a break and calm down, then come back to it,” he said.

“And if you have responded more negatively than you should have, apologize. It might be helpful to explain some of your stresses. Kids are usually very understanding.”

It’s important to really listen to your kids and try to understand them, he added.

Children’s routines have been disrupted, and they are likely to experience higher stress as they adjust, Galovan said, adding that it’s key for parents to allow their children to share their feelings without being criticized.

“Some of the fears and worries kids have might seem trivial to adults, but their feelings are real. Simply acknowledging that something is difficult, frustrating, or scary can help a child feel heard and understood. That reduces the likelihood that they’ll react negatively to their feelings of stress,” said Galovan.

He suggested parents talk to their kids about how to deal with stress in healthy ways.

“It’s OK for a child to be angry, upset or frustrated, but it’s not OK for them to hit a sibling or break something. So parents can talk about what their kids can do when they feel that way. Maybe they need to hit a pillow. Maybe they need to go exercise or play a game.”

Hold on to hope; seek help

Galovan said it helps to recognize the big things in life like having good health and loved ones, and also focus on the small positive things that bring happiness into our lives, like listening to a favourite song, sharing a story with a child, appreciating a sunset or connecting with a family member over the phone.

“Recognizing these small enjoyments keeps us going and gives us more energy to tackle the big challenges,” he said.

And if you need to, get help from available community support resources like phone or online counselling, he advised.

“If you’re suffering, know that you are not alone and that there are people who are willing and waiting to help.”

People are resilient, he added.

“Change is hard, but we do have immense capacity to adapt.”

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8th May 20208th May 2020 by nicola

Supporting sibling relationships at home during Covid-19

Here is another very valuable piece from the Finn Valley/ Springboard Family Support Project booklet “Parenting Through Covid-19 – helpful hints to keep home life happy”. This piece, on sibling relationships is written by Jo Sledge Brennan, a Family Support Worker with Springboard.

Sibling relationships are unique, authentic and invaluable, yet they can be one of the most difficult relationships to navigate as a parent. Often these relationships are filled with rivalry, jealousy and competitiveness from an early age and can be extremely frustrating, exhausting and upsetting for parent’s to handle. However, it’s good to point out that for most of us, although this conflict may be high, more often than not the good, fun days more than balance out.

As parents, it’s important we consider our part to play in encouraging positive
sibling relationships. Our children are after all, mainly in conflict with each other in order to gain more love and affection from you than their sibling/s. This rivalry can be intense but it can also have a lasting effect on children, so it’s important to remind them how much they are loved, equally, every day. Don’t be afraid to show your love, no matter what age they are. The first step to encouraging healthy sibling relationships is setting the ground rules for play for example, what behaviours are acceptable and what behaviours are not; no hitting, no name calling etc. You could get your children involved in this too. Find out what behaviours they are most annoyed by with each other, listen to them and make them ground rules so there is no confusion. This way, you’re anticipating the problems, you’re one step ahead!

It’s also important to avoid making comparisons between your children. All children have their own qualities and attributes; they are all unique. Showing an understanding of this will not only strengthen your relationship with them but it will give them a greater respect for each other and build on their own self-esteem. Children like to be seen as individuals; they are individuals. What they share with their sibling is often the same parent/s, their environment, similar experiences and similar memories but they are all individual.
There will be differences; there could be age gaps, different sexes of children,
different interests and needs but what they have in common is you, their parent.

Teach them to understand their differences and to appreciate them. Encourage them to have a good time together by noticing what activities they enjoy doing together, though this can be tough when there are age and interest gaps. In this instance, try cooking together or art, or some form of exercise that you can all do together at least one or two shared activities a day. A scavenger hunt can be good fun, or play cards, or any game or activity that puts the adults against the kids, get them playing and working together.

When there is conflict, try to step back and let them resolve it, try not to get too involved in petty battles. Moderate levels of conflict are a healthy sign that they each can express their needs or wants. If you need to step in, remind them of the ground rules. If all else fails and you need to end the play, talk to each child and listen. You could then allow them to vent, just a little and find out what went wrong before you set the ground rules for the next play. It can sometimes help to ask each child to describe how they feel and have the other child listen. All of this sounds like hard work and it is, nobody ever said that parenting was easy, but there are so many benefits to developing healthy sibling relationships, children may learn to:
• develop their social skills
• navigate power struggles
• try to compromise
• resolve conflicts
• to be assertive
• be empathetic to others’
• respect rules and values
I’m sure all of us would be very happy parents if our children developed the above qualities and attributes from your child’s first peer group; their sibling.

Short Exercise that Children and Young people can do with their siblings:

My favourite memory with you is ……
I think you are good at …..
Things that I like about you …..
Things that you do that annoy/upset me …..
Things I like about having a brother and/or sister …..
One thing I like to do together …..

More ideas and information on a variety of topics to help families get through this tough time are available in the booklet

https://www.cypsc.ie/_fileupload/Documents/Resources/Donegal/FVFRC%20-%20Parenting%20through%20Covid%2019%20Booklet%202.pdf

Our thanks to Jo Sledge Brennan and the teams at Finn Valley FRC and Springboard Family Support Project for these resources.

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28th April 202028th April 2020 by nicola

Tips for dealing with anger

The Cycle of Anger

One of the more surprising things about being a parent is the intensity of frustration and anger that parents sometimes feel toward their children.

For most, these strong emotions do not match the image they had formed prior to becoming parents.

In addition, when children are frustrated and irritated, their parents are often the target of those feelings. A common reaction to their children’s rage is that parents become angry in return.

Rather than lessening children’s anger, parental upset creates a spiraling cycle in which increasingly intense anger ensues.

Tips to Manage Your Anger

Stay Calm

The good news is that there are “techniques” that parents can use to help dissipate the anger. The first involves learning to remain calm during the “storms.”

Although not always easy to do, being calm will allow you to maintain control over your reactions and help you to think clearly, so you can decide what to do.

“Staying cool in the heat of the moment” also encourages children to become calm, rather than having their parent’s anger further fuel their fire. Calm often leads to calm.

Fake Calm Even if you don’t feel calm, you can “fake” it by speaking and moving slowly and deliberately, and by using a firm but soft voice. Other things you can do to help yourself be calm include:

Breathing slowly and counting to ten are two more ways parents can help themselves to stay focused and to think clearly.
You can also repeat a soothing mantra to yourself, such as: “I can handle this without losing my cool,” or “My children are not out to get me.”

Tips to Manage Children’s Anger

Listen to Them

When children are upset, one of the best ways to diminish the intensity of their feelings is to use a communication tool called Active Listening, which involves appreciating their words, acknowledging their feelings, and letting them know they have been heard.

Sometimes it can take great restraint and conscious effort to remain calm enough to listen so as not to get “sucked in” to children’s angry moods. Often this kind of listening is enough to deflate the rage or the upset feelings.

When Listening is Not Enough

However, there are times when the intensity of the children’s frustration is beyond their ability to cope in a mature way and other techniques besides listening, such as enforcement of the rules, have to be used.

An example would be if you told your child that he needed to get off the computer and do his homework. Even though you have acknowledged his feelings of anger and disappointment, he continues to be frustrated and furious, and does not accept the fact that he cannot have what he wants.

You can take a few deep breaths to give yourself time to decide what to do.
You can use repetition of the rule, “The rule is that you need to have your homework complete before you play computer games.”
You can get down at the child’s level so you can establish eye contact and make physical contact by putting a hand on the child’s shoulder.
You can continue to show understanding of the frustration through Active Listening: “I understand that you want . . . “
You can state your expectations clearly and calmly: “I expect you to turn off the computer and complete your homework.”
These kinds of brief explanations, while respectful, also send a message that the parent is not going to plead, debate or become upset, and that although the child may not like the rule, the expectation is that it will be followed.

Sometimes Anger is Beneficial

Of course, it is not always possible to remain calm. In fact, it can be helpful for children to learn that anger is a natural and normal part of life and is not necessarily bad.

The manner in which the anger is expressed and the ability of the parent to remain in control of his choices, decisions, and emotions are determining factors that define whether the anger is helpful, ineffective or even destructive.

Anger managed in non-hurtful ways can actually strengthen your connection with your children. When you express your true feelings, even the angry ones, in a clear, direct and respectful manner, you are sharing a part of yourself and this builds honesty and trust in the relationship. Your resentment does not build as you guide your children to treat you with respect even when they are angry.

If you “Lose It”

If you find that you have “lost it” and said or done some things that you regret, it is important to reassure your children that you love them and that your love for them is stronger than the anger you may have felt.

It is also important to apologize if you were unable to stay calm. This helps to model for your children that people do not have to be perfect and that even adults make mistakes.

The Good News

Without a partner to escalate the intensity, children often are able to move past the tantrums and anger more quickly and begin to focus on next steps and solutions. When parents model assertiveness and calmness, children can learn how to manage their own angry feelings in a constructive and helpful way.

With an attitude of acceptance toward the inevitability of anger, with some techniques in mind, and with conscious effort on your part to stay cool, you can help your children learn to manage, in a healthy way, the anger that is an expected and normal part of the human experience.

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