The biggest problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.
Perhaps one of the biggest challenges when parenting teenagers is taking the time to listen properly. It is easy to jump in with our opinions, our solutions. That often just escalates an already difficult situation. Here are some ideas from John Sharry and Carol Fitzpatrick at Parents Plus from their Adolescent Parenting programme.
Calling all parents of teenagers! Would you like to be able to help your teenagers to avoid getting involved with alcohol during their adolescent years? This webinar organised by the Alcohol Forum based here in Letterkenny gives you the chance to understand how the adolescent brain develops and the impact alcohol or cannabis use can have on it – putting you in a better position to have those important conversations with the teenagers in your life.
We all have an important role to play in supporting young people to avoid, delay and minimize alcohol use as they pass through adolescence. Hosted by the Alcohol Forum, this webinar will feature the latest international research on brain development during the teenage years and the impact that alcohol use can have. Professor of Psychiatry, Susan Tapert, from the University of California will outline her ground-breaking research on adolescent brain development, the impact of the repeated use of alcohol and cannabis drugs during adolescent and young adult years and brain markers predictive of substance misuse. The Alcohol Forum will be launching a new resource for young people: Alcohol – Its a No Brainer – All you need to know about alcohol and the teenage brain.
Who’s it for?: This webinar will be of interest to professionals and organisations working with young people and parents including those working in the fields of well-being, mental health, education and substance use.
When: Jun 11, 2020 05:00 PM Dublin
Topic: Alcohol and the Adolescent Brain
Registration: In advance – https://zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_q7b3s5brQJudVUkGxr-GUw
After registering, you will receive a confirmation email containing information about joining the webinar.
Questions for Speaker: If you have any questions in advance of the seminar that you would like to be addressed as part of the content, these can be emailed to helen@alcoholforum.org. There will also be an opportunity to ask questions during the seminar.
This interesting article from Psychology Today looks at the complicated relationship between parents and teenagers
“Adolescence is the time when you and your child still love each other as always, but often don’t like each other as much.” So I was told on good parental authority.
The notion was that while childhood was filled with taking pleasure in each other’s company, adolescence is often about parent and teenager putting up with how each other have become harder to live with.
What follows is why I believe that active liking is an important part of effectively parenting an adolescent.
Less liking from the loss of childhood
For the parents, gone is the adoring and adorable little child whose tag-along company they miss. For the adolescent, gone are the perfectly wonderful parents and the fun-loving company they used to be. For both parent and changing child, adolescence begins with some loss of mutual enjoyment, and liking is its name.
Come adolescence, a lessening of traditional liking on both sides of the relationship can occur.
Although it can feel easy to blame each other for this disaffection, the real culprit is growth. Now, three developmental engines – separation, experimentation, and opposition – drive the adolescent transformation toward more independence and individuality. Now more contention can occur. “You haven’t done what I asked!” collides with, “I said I would, in a while!”
Increased abrasion from normal differences starts wearing down the old connection between them, gradually growing them more apart from each other, which is what the coming of age passage is meant to accomplish.
Love is not enough
To some parents, this partial loss of liking seems like no big deal so long as lasting love remains strong because, surely, loving counts more than liking. Yes and no. If you could only have one, certainly love would be the best choice. However, never underestimate the power of parental liking. Consider it this way.
The power of parental love is nurturing attachment on which trust in the lasting power of this unconditional commitment depends. “I know my parents have always loved me and always will.” We are talking about foundational presence here.
The power of parental liking is providing approval from their high authority on which much conditional self-esteem depends. “I think well of myself because my parents have always thought well of me.” We are talking about formative influence here.
Early adolescence and self-dislike
Young adolescents can dislike themselves more than they did as children on two counts: first, when they separate from childhood and second when they enter puberty.
Most young people separate from childhood and start adolescence (around ages 9 to 13) with fewer grounds for liking themselves because they must let go of some traditional enjoyments that kept them feeling good. Growing up is a ruthless process because it requires giving up along the way. So they reject beloved interests, activities, and objects because: “I don’t want kid stuff anymore!” However, it takes a while to replace these supports, and until they are found, the young person can feel beset by that painful state of self-dislike, boredom: “I don’t know what to do with myself! I hate having nothing I like to do!”
When young people enter puberty, coming into sexual maturity can cause physical changes and social self-consciousness that engenders a lot of self-dislike about personal appearance and unpopularity: “I don’t like how I look”; “Not many people like me.” At worst, public teasing can cause the young person to dislike themselves even more: “It just shows what’s wrong with me!” (Parents need to explain: “Teasing is not about anything wrong with you; it just shows what is wrong with teasers – acting mean.”)
With peers, the adolescent is not usually looking to be loved; but she or he is definitely looking to be liked — to be approved, welcomed, befriended, and popular. Now to be socially liked becomes extremely important, and to be socially disliked can be extremely painful. “No one wants me to sit with them at lunch.” To be unliked can lead to isolation.
The relationship between liking and love
Because love amplifies one’s power of liking – of approval and disapproval – criticism from a loved one can hurt the most. Thus, the angry or defiant teenage statement to upset parents is usually a lie: “I don’t care what you think of me anyway!” In truth, I believe most adolescents want to shine in parental eyes. In consequence, there can be the need not to disappoint, the concern that wrongful actions can harm the relationship, even fear that loss of partial liking may endanger their love.
Thus sometimes in response to an infraction of a significant rule, parental reassurance may need to be given to the anxious offender who wonders if they’ve really “torn the relationship with parents now.” Sensing this insecurity, parents explain, “Just because we don’t like how you acted doesn’t mean we don’t love the person you are.” Then they give a non-evaluative correction to deal with the wrongdoing, with no criticism of character expressed. “We just disagree with the choice you made, this is why, this is what we need to have happen now, and we are ready to hear whatever you have to say.”
Examples of active liking
So how might an adolescent experience active parental liking? Ten examples follow.
While parents should be steadfast in loving their adolescents, they should be constant in actively liking this young person, too.
You can read the original article here https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/202004/parenting-and-the-importance-liking-your-adolescent
Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. is a psychologist in private counseling and public lecturing practice in Austin, Texas. His latest book is WHO STOLE MY CHILD? Parenting through four stages of adolescence.
Covid-19 has highlighted how our actions impact ourselves and the people around us. It’s helpful to consider how the use of alcohol and drugs can influence and impact our ability to cope with this situation.
Life was tough enough, and Covid-19 can make everything seem harder. Faced with challenging circumstances, alcohol and drugs can seem like a way to cope. We may feel they will help us escape the uncertainty of this pandemic.
Both the Covid-19 situation and substances can impact mental health, so inform yourself as much as possible to make the right decisions for you.
Using intoxicants while alone may actually increase the likelihood of over doing it
You may already be aware of the links between alcohol and mental health. However, hangovers have the potential to make the anxiety and low mood that many are already experiencing from Covid-19, worse.
With the prospect of extended social isolation, we might think “sure it makes no difference, I’ll have one more.” Using intoxicants while alone may actually increase the likelihood of over doing it. Without friends to provide support or supervise, the chances of risky behaviours increases. This could include going against the HSE Covid-19 guidelines, or driving under the influence.
Substance use can lead to feelings of shame, guilt or denial. With the current Covid-19 circumstances, we may be left alone to deal with these heavy emotions. You may feel trapped, and in an effort to manage these unwanted feelings, use more substances. This starts a cycle of unhealthy substance use which can be difficult to break.
The more you use any substance to help you cope, the more likely you are to start turning to that substance ahead of other coping strategies. The longer alcohol or drugs are used, the more tolerance we build, meaning we need to take more of the substance to feel the same effects. There is also the chance of developing an addiction, when we need to take the substance to “feel OK” or get on with the day.
Which needs are met through substance use and can these needs be met in other ways?
Reflect on your relationship with the substances you’re using. Think about why you take them. Is it to feel temporary relief? Do you believe it helps you feel more comfortable in social situations? Is to alleviate boredom? Or does taking substances help cope with the feelings created by the Covid-19 pandemic?
None of these are unusual relationships with substances. But think about is which needs are met through substance use. Can these needs be met in other ways? For example:
Fortunately, there are ways to cope with the stress of this situation which don’t involve substances.
Any substance that can have a negative impact on your mental health and may also compromise your physical health. If you are going to drink or use substances during Covid-19 pandemic, consider using a harm-reduction approach. This includes practical strategies and ideas aimed at reducing negative consequences associated with substance use. Examples of harm reduction are:
If you feel that substance use is creating difficulties for you, the HSE Drugs and Alcohol Helpline provides support and information. Their number is 1800 459 459.
If you would like some extra support at this time, you can Ask Jigsaw or sign up for one of our group chats.
Sometimes young people refuse to attend school despite the best wishes of their parents. There are often underlying reasons behind the young person’s decision not to attend school and parents often feel powerless to help their child.
If your child is refusing to attend school and you need support, contact us and an Educational Welfare Officer will get in touch with you.
If you are a parent or guardian of a child aged between 6 and 16 you have a central role to play in ensuring that your child does not miss out on his or her education. Under Irish law you must ensure that your child attends school or otherwise receives an education.
For more information, see: ‘Don’t let your child miss out’
Click here for the PDF Dont let your child miss out
Click here for the PDF Ná bíodh do leanbhsa thíos leis
See also: School Attendance – what every parent needs to know
If you want to explore more Key Messages to support your parenting see https://www.tusla.ie/parenting-24-seven/12-years/
It is normal for our bodies to prepare us for challenges by giving us an increased heart rate, increased breathing rate, muscle tension, sweats, shakes and a feeling of butterflies in the stomach (this often happens when making a speech or doing an interview), this is anxiety. Anxiety is worry. It is an emotion that we all feel when we are faced with challenges. Anxiety, at times, can be useful as it helps us prepare for and perform tasks. However, when anxiety becomes an illness it is called an anxiety disorder.
| Anxiety disorders are even more common than depression with roughly 25% of young people aged 12 to 25 experiencing anxiety (Kessler et al 2005). |
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Anxiety disorders occur when the anxiety becomes intense, causes distress, lasts a certain amount of time (not just a few days) and affects day to day living. People with anxiety disorders can experience these physical sensations often or can have repeated occurrences, called panic attacks.
There are a number of different types of anxiety disorders, to find out more about them go to www.yourmentalhealth.ie and www.reachout.com
Adapted from Foroige’s Mental Health Resource
You might be concerned you’re your teenager has an anxiety disorder, remember there is help out there for you and your family: www.tusla.ie www.hse.ie
If you want to explore more of the Key Messages to support your parenting see https://www.tusla.ie/parenting-24-seven/12-years/
Unfortunately, bullying isn’t uncommon, and in some surveys up to 40 per cent of children report experiencing or being involved in bullying at school. Many children who are targeted are already marginalised or struggling. Up to half of those who are bullied suffer in silence and don’t tell their parents or teachers what is going on.
Bullying behaviours can be physical and direct, such as slagging, intimidation and aggression, or more subtle and relational such as exclusion, talking negatively about a child to others, or the silent treatment.
The growth of social media, texting and online communication has provided new ways to harass others, and, given the public nature of these forums, they can be more devastating for children and teenagers.
Bullying is also a complex group phenomenon, which is reinforced by an audience and supported by the silence of bystanders. Many children who engage in it are not aware of its impact on the victim or may have been victims themselves. All cases require a sensitive response.
How can you tell if your child is being bullied? Though some children are reluctant to tell, there are many indicators that your child might be being bullied or that s/he is coping with some other problem: unexplained cuts or bruises, sudden lack of confidence; anxiety about going to school; poor school performance; privacy about online communications.
The first thing is to help your child to talk about what is happening. Being specific about your worries can help a reluctant child to open up. You can say, “I notice you have been very unhappy going to school the last few days. Is there anything or anyone bothering you there?”
Listen to your child’s feelings about what has happened and support them emotionally. Remember this is as important as taking action to stop the bullying. Crucially, reassure your child that he or she is not at fault and does not deserve to be targeted.
Be careful about over-reacting to what your child discloses by becoming very upset yourself or by immediately rushing in a rage to the school to demand action. Impulsive actions can make matters worse and can make your child reluctant to talk to you.
Make a plan of action to deal with it, such as meeting the school or contacting the website host. Seek professional support and guidance as necessary.
Depending on your child’s age, talk through with them what actions they can take to protect themselves or to stop the bullying, such as keeping away from their tormentors, being assertive in response to taunts or talking to teachers. Be wary of thinking children can solve the problem themselves. Most children need the support of an adult.
Remember to support the child’s friendship with children who are kind to them. Encourge their involvement in healthy, enjoyable pursuits that provide respite and another source of support to them.
Take a report that your child might be bullying seriously. Don’t under-react by dismissing the suggestion – “my child would never do such a thing” – nor over-react by being very punitive towards your child. The key is to intervene early to stop the pattern and to help your child to learn better ways to communicate or to fit in with a group.
Present the information directly to your child and listen carefully to their account of what is happening as well as their feelings.
Focus on the alleged behaviour you want to stop and not your child’s “being a bully”. Help him or her to think of the impact of the behaviour on the other child and to imagine how he or she might feel in the same situation. Emphasise the importance of respecting, accepting and including others.
Explore actions your child can take to move forward, such as apologising if appropriate, or communication skills he or she can use to stop the bullying. For example, if it occurs in a group, explore what your child might say or do to stop it, for example by addressing the person who is starting it with, “Come on, don’t be stupid, leave John alone.”
Hold them accountable for their behaviour and warn them of consequences, such as loss of privileges, if they don’t stop.
Monitor the situation carefully and make sure to check with your child how things are going. Work co-operatively with the school or whoever made the report to sort things out.
Schools have a particular responsibility to address bullying by having proactive positive-behaviour and anti-bullying policies, with a preventative component such as educating children about the dangers of bullying, and teaching face to face and social media communication skills.
The silence surrounding bullying means schools need to encourage children to report bullying incidents. Some schools are creative, conducting frequent anonymous surveys with pupils about bullying incidents and, most importantly, following these up.
Schools need to act quickly following reports, including skilled interviewing of the alleged bully (see above), school sanctions and skilled classroom interventions.
John Sharry, Irish Times Newspaper, November 3rd 2012
Source: Solution Talk
More information available from Tusla.
If you want to explore more Key Messages to support your parenting see https://www.tusla.ie/parenting-24-seven/12-years/
Talking is healing:
Your older child might be happy to talk to you about things that are bothering them. However, sometimes they feel unable to talk to their parents. Encourage them to talk to someone they trust.
Emotional Well-being:
How a young person deals with the ups and downs of everyday life can have an impact on their emotional well- being. Here are some important things for both parents and young people to know and understand:
If you want to explore more Key Messages to support your parenting see https://www.tusla.ie/parenting-24-seven/12-years/
Do you know who your teenager admires, who their role model is?
Do they emulate their behaviour in any way, and how do you feel about that person’s behaviour and values?
Teenagers select role models, whether good or bad, to emulate. As they strive to develop a sense of identity and purpose, role models become important in helping a young person identify the behaviours, attitudes and qualities they need to succeed in life.
As celebrities are constantly in the media, they have become role models for many teenagers and young adults, influencing their attitudes and behaviours. Unfortunately many of the role models for today’s teens are size zero superstar singers or movie stars shooting machine guns, with less coverage being given to those who project positive messages.
As role models can have such a huge influence on young people, it is important for parents to keep the lines of communication open with their teenagers, to help them work out if a celebrity or person is a worthy role model. The following can help get the conversation started:
As well as talking to your teenager about who they admire, it’s important to remember that you as their parent are still a powerful role model for them; your behaviours also offer them a road map to follow in life. Young people respect adults who walk their talk, so rather than telling them what to do or what not to do, model the behaviours you want to see in them. ‘Seeing is believing’, what young people see and believe they become!
Clare Crowley Collier, Therapist, Educator & Facilitator for Teenagers and Parents
Source: Family Matters
If you want to explore more Key Messages to support your parenting see https://www.tusla.ie/parenting-24-seven/12-years/
It can be a very worrying time for you as a parent when you suspect that your child or teenager is harming themselves. Self-harm means harming yourself as a way of dealing with emotional distress. Sometimes distressing problems may feel like they will never go away. It can seem that things will never get better. This can be a lonely place to be. Some people use self-harm as a way to try to escape from or deal with pain or stress that they find difficult to tolerate in their lives.
If self-harm is something you use as a way of dealing with emotional pain, there is support available to help you find other ways of coping.
If you have a child who you suspect has self-harmed or you believe they are thinking of self-harming, you can get help from:
Find a local family doctor (GP) or health centre by visiting the HSE.ie online service finder. If it’s late in the evening, night time or the weekend, contact a G.P. Out of Hours Service. G.P.s are also listed under ‘General Practitioners’ in the Golden Pages. Find out how a G.P. can offer support for mental health problems.
Go to or contact the Emergency Department of your nearest general hospital if you have a child or teenager who has self harmed and needs medical attention. Hospitals are listed on the HSE.ie online service finder. You can also contact the emergency services by calling 999 or 112.
If your child or teenager has been (or is currently) supported by a mental health team, go to the Emergency Department or contact the service you are attending and ask for an appointment as soon as possible.
Pieta House offer support and counselling. A G.P. can recommend counselling services in your area. These might include free, low cost or private options.
Parentline.ie is a resource for parents who are experiencing difficulties, contact them on LoCall 1890 927277 or 01 8733500.
Samaritans is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for anyone struggling to cope. For confidential, non-judgemental support please free call 116 123 in the Republic of Ireland or 08457 90 90 90 in Northern Ireland, email jo@samaritans.org, or visit www.samaritans.ie for details of the nearest branch.
To explore more Key Messages to support your parenting see https://www.tusla.ie/parenting-24-seven/12-years/
