Tips for dealing with anger

The Cycle of Anger

anger emoji Staying CoolOne of the more surprising things about being a parent is the intensity of frustration and anger that parents sometimes feel toward their children.

For most, these strong emotions do not match the image they had formed prior to becoming parents.

In addition, when children are frustrated and irritated, their parents are often the target of those feelings. A common reaction to their children’s rage is that parents become angry in return.

Rather than lessening children’s anger, parental upset creates a spiraling cycle in which increasingly intense anger ensues.

Tips to Manage Your Anger

Stay Calm

The good news is that there are “techniques” that parents can use to help dissipate the anger. The first involves learning to remain calm during the “storms.”

Although not always easy to do, being calm will allow you to maintain control over your reactions and help you to think clearly, so you can decide what to do.

“Staying cool in the heat of the moment” also encourages children to become calm, rather than having their parent’s anger further fuel their fire. Calm often leads to calm.

Fake Calm Even if you don’t feel calm, you can “fake” it by speaking and moving slowly and deliberately, and by using a firm but soft voice. Other things you can do to help yourself be calm include:

  • Breathing slowly and counting to ten are two more ways parents can help themselves to stay focused and to think clearly.
  • You can also repeat a soothing mantra to yourself, such as: “I can handle this without losing my cool,” or “My children are not out to get me.”

Tips to Manage Children’s Anger

Listen to Them

When children are upset, one of the best ways to diminish the intensity of their feelings is to use a communication tool called Active Listening, which involves appreciating their words, acknowledging their feelings, and letting them know they have been heard.

Sometimes it can take great restraint and conscious effort to remain calm enough to listen so as not to get “sucked in” to children’s angry moods. Often this kind of listening is enough to deflate the rage or the upset feelings.

When Listening is Not Enough

However, there are times when the intensity of the children’s frustration is beyond their ability to cope in a mature way and other techniques besides listening, such as enforcement of the rules, have to be used.

An example would be if you told your child that he needed to get off the computer and do his homework. Even though you have acknowledged his feelings of anger and disappointment, he continues to be frustrated and furious, and does not accept the fact that he cannot have what he wants.

  • You can take a few deep breaths to give yourself time to decide what to do.
  • You can use repetition of the rule, “The rule is that you need to have your homework complete before you play computer games.”
  • You can get down at the child’s level so you can establish eye contact and make physical contact by putting a hand on the child’s shoulder.
  • You can continue to show understanding of the frustration through Active Listening: “I understand that you want . . . “
  • You can state your expectations clearly and calmly: “I expect you to turn off the computer and complete your homework.”

    These kinds of brief explanations, while respectful, also send a message that the parent is not going to plead, debate or become upset, and that although the child may not like the rule, the expectation is that it will be followed.

Sometimes Anger is Beneficial

Of course, it is not always possible to remain calm. In fact, it can be helpful for children to learn that anger is a natural and normal part of life and is not necessarily bad.

The manner in which the anger is expressed and the ability of the parent to remain in control of his choices, decisions, and emotions are determining factors that define whether the anger is helpful, ineffective or even destructive.

Anger managed in non-hurtful ways can actually strengthen your connection with your children. When you express your true feelings, even the angry ones, in a clear, direct and respectful manner, you are sharing a part of yourself and this builds honesty and trust in the relationship. Your resentment does not build as you guide your children to treat you with respect even when they are angry.

If you “Lose It”

If you find that you have “lost it” and said or done some things that you regret, it is important to reassure your children that you love them and that your love for them is stronger than the anger you may have felt.

It is also important to apologize if you were unable to stay calm. This helps to model for your children that people do not have to be perfect and that even adults make mistakes.

The Good News

Without a partner to escalate the intensity, children often are able to move past the tantrums and anger more quickly and begin to focus on next steps and solutions. When parents model assertiveness and calmness, children can learn how to manage their own angry feelings in a constructive and helpful way.

With an attitude of acceptance toward the inevitability of anger, with some techniques in mind, and with conscious effort on your part to stay cool, you can help your children learn to manage, in a healthy way, the anger that is an expected and normal part of the human experience.

 

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Safer Internet Day takes place next Tuesday, 7th February 2023. Sadly more than 1 in 4 young people in Ireland have experienced cyberbullying, yet only 60% of victims tell their parents. As teenagers and children spend more time on the internet, ensuring it's a safe space is ever more important. To encourage conversation about life online and help parents keep their children safe, I'd like to share a free resource created by Switcher.ie. It's a comprehensive guide which includes things like:
  • How to reduce the risks online
  • How to recognise cyber bullying and grooming
  • How to educate children on cyber safety
  • How to set up parental controls on devices
I thought it may be useful to share the link to the guide - https://switcher.ie/broadband/guides/how-to-keep-your-children-safe-online/ - which you can include on your website ahead of Safer Internet Day, to help parents and children who may need some extra support. We've also put together some handy top tips you can use on your website: 10 tips to keep your children safe online
  1. Talk about it:Make time to chat about online risks and how to use the internet safelyas soon as they're old enough to go online. Encourage your children to speak to you about what they view online and empower them to act if they're worried about anything.
  2. Recognise the risks: Educate yourself about the potential dangers children could face online so  it’s easier to spot warning signs. Get to know what platforms your children use, and learn about dangers such as phishing, grooming and cyberbullying.
  3. Teach the do's and don'ts: Be clear about the non-negotiables.  For example, teach your child not to share personal details or photos with strangers and instruct them not to click on links to unknown websites or texts. Do encourage your child to question what they see and only accept friend requests from people they know.
  4. Spot the signs: Pay attention to your children's behaviour whilst on and off their devices. Being alert to changes in your child can help prevent problems from escalating. Some warning signs are withdrawing from friends or family, sleeping and eating problems or losing interest in previously loved hobbies or interests.
  5. Set boundaries:Let your children know what they can and can't do on the internet from the get-go. Agree on what devices they can use, when, and how long they can spend online. As they get older, explaining and negotiating boundaries may be more effective.
  6. Take 'parental' control: These ready-made boundaries put parents in control of what children can see online. They can be set up through your internet provider at device level to block specific websites and filter out inappropriate content.
  7. Be social media savvy:  The popularity of social media apps like TikTok and Snapchat makes it harder to keep track of what your child is accessing online.  Fortunately, each social media platform has its own privacy settings and safety tips for parents. Check them out before you let children have their own accounts.
  8. Protect from harm:Install antivirus software on family devices to minimise the risk of cyber attacks or scams. Use two-factor authentication (2FA) for extra security on your online accounts. This can also stop children from signing into services they're not allowed to use.
  9. Set a great example:  You're the greatest 'influencer' in your children's lives when they're young.  Limiting your time online, discussing dangers you've come across, and questioning what you view can help reinforce the rules you are setting for your children and, in turn, influence their online behaviour.
  10. Seek support:The more you learn about online dangers, the better equipped you'll be to handle them. There are some great resources like  webwise.ieinternetmatters.organd cybersafekids.ie to help you recognise and reduce online dangers and seek advice if you think your child is experiencing cyberbullying or is at risk online.
        Short videos on the Importance of Play have recently launched which was a collaboration between North Central CFSN and Lifestart Services.   Volume 1 https://youtu.be/xl2F2vZXhbg Volume 2 https://youtu.be/OOy4lmWggtM Volume 3 https://youtu.be/tmv40--l7fA Volume 4 https://youtu.be/Wr9bfTWddts Volume 5 https://youtu.be/7HLkBXvVTFE Volume 6 https://youtu.be/NuUXb51qZY0

Infant Mental Health Awareness Week runs from June 13th-19th.           

This week provides an opportunity to focus attention on the wellbeing, social and emotional development of our babies and young children. It highlights the importance of early relationships and a relationship based approach to interventions with infants and families. As our understanding of IMH and its evidence base develops, so also does our knowledge of how to apply this knowledge and an ‘IMH lens’ to interactions with infants, parents and caregivers in health and social services. 

What is infant mental health?

Infant Mental health (IMH) refers to the healthy social and emotional development of Infants starting at conception up to three years of age.

The first 1000 days of life are recognised as a critical period of opportunity to support infant mental health. Decades of research have shown that it is the quality of the early caregiver relationship that is a significant determinant of the infant’s healthy social and emotional development and in turn physical health, right up to adulthood.

 

The National Healthy Childhood Programme has embedded IMH as the foundation of the development of its resources and in the approach of the delivery of the universal child health service. This embedding of key messages can be seen in the My Child suite of books (www.mychild.ie/books) and also on www.MyChild.ie  where key messages around bonding and relationship building have been embedded for the parent/caregiver.

 

In clinical practice the topic of IMH has been included for the first time in the National Standardised Child Health Record. To build on this, the National Healthy Childhood Programme have just completed a suite of three eLearning units which are now available on HSEland for healthcare practitioners / caregivers who are working with children and families.  

 

Throughout the week you will see videos and key IMH messaging being promoted on the HSE MyChild social media pages ( Facebook / Instagram ). Keep an eye out in the National Newspapers for articles from our experts also. (IrishTimes article)  

 

In addition The National Healthy Childhood Programme have developed a series of ten practical videos with HSE expert advice which are now available on YouTube and on the relevant pages on the www.mychild.ie website.

These videos (2-3 minutes each) are aimed at parents/guardians of children (0 – 3 years).

These new video resources are available here while lots more expert advice for every step of pregnancy, baby and toddler health can also be found at www.mychild.ie

There are a suite of posters available focusing on the promotion of IMH messaging to order from healthy.childhood@hse.ie

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